(probably right brained people can identify with this one more)
It’s happening all over again. You can see the pattern: you devote yourself totally to something, you lose yourself AND time completely within it, and then you pull yourself out, as abruptly as you got absorbed. You can’t seem to finish what you started, you suddenly lose your enthusiasm as quickly as it came on and you find yourself wanting to run away from that which you initially chose.
Do you get intimidated of the work involved? Maybe you should “break it down” and not get over-worked trying to absorb it all at once.
Do you not believe that you can complete that which you started? Sure, you’ve experienced this many times before but maybe it is time to consciously think about it, re-establishing your self-worth.
Do you believe that “it’s too late for you”? If you observe the things that you usually say, the phrases that are by now habitual to you about yourself, you’ll discover a lot about your beliefs.
Do you believe that you cannot learn all this stuff because you can’t remember names, dates, linear facts and descriptions? This is where you need to move on to your own personal way of learning, with “other” strategies and pick out the important information to remember, discarding the details.
Do you get too distracted by other matters going on in your life and lose your focus, feeling that you are leaving things behind or that you have no right to get consumed with your own interests? See if you are balanced in your life between your own interests and those of others, or if you have left yourself (or others) behind for some reason.
Maybe it’s all of these at once, and all together. So, what do you do about it?
Maybe just refocusing is enough. Re-stating your desire and following through just one-step at a time. There is no need to feel overwhelmed about it or hurry through just because you are impatient to see results. Exercise your patience, your trust and allow yourself to enjoy the process instead of feeling it as a burden that you HAVE TO complete in a certain way or (especially) at a set timing. Other things that need taking care of in your life are equally part of the process and part of the learning, which your linear ego-mind just doesn’t understand or accept.
So, it’s important to remain centered and feel your way through, recognizing all the little changes happening within you. They are all important aspects of you, teaching about and showing you my SELF. No part of you deserves rejection or changing. Alternatively, transformation is about expressing the highest expression of that which seems negative and limited. And THAT’S what you need to do, with kindness, respect and gentleness.
In that case, your impatience and early disappointment, with the threat of desertion can be transformed, through the understanding that you are in no sort of completion with anyone, yourself or time. Everything should be enjoyed, respected and done with passion or not at all. So, when the disappointment or the over-whelm come on, you can give yourself a “break” while you take time to absorb all that you have learned and done up till now, allowing life to continue to give you its wisdom. Your enthusiasm is a rushing force that cannot be stopped, which helps you take in a lot at once and feel your way through quickly. Accepting both aspects of your reality triggers balance, as you remain objectively observant of yourself, being in control of your own mind.
Trust that when you have "had enough" for a while, it means that you need to stand back (and not desert), evaluate all that is happening and return to it, when you feel ready to continue or take in some more. Maybe there is something in those in-between stages that you need to see, discover or use for the next wave of enthusiasm and passionate involvement, which otherwise would not have been revealed, since you totally focus – when passionate – on that which you whole-heatedly want to lose yourself into.
The important thing is not to let accusation, rejection and guilt come in, at any moment of the process of expanding and moving on. In whatever that you are doing, experiencing or feeling, yourself deserves your acceptance, EVEN when you don’t understand. It’s the ego-mind that does not understand! And that is not a prerequisite for acceptance, which is love in action.