August 10, 2013

Don’t try to discipline ADHD children, try to understand them

Understanding does not mean submit to them, or give upon them or let them be “who they are”, for they do not know who they are yet. They need your help to focus, understand, accept and express themselves. Understanding takes some effort, but not I the sense that you understand the word. 

The ego understands “effort” as something difficult, tiring and sometimes unrealistic. The “effort” that I mean here involves willingness more than anything else. The willingness to shift your perception, to “enter” their mind and reality and to realize what is going on in there, what it means, what benefits and positive aspects you can identify with… through experience.

An ADHD child exists in a different reality. Time and space take on different meanings, not only in a general way, but EVERY time. Forcing them out of their perceived time-space reality in a cruel or abrupt manner gives them a totally wrong interpretation of themselves, and they are thrown automatically to self-judgment and self-rejection. That is when you have lost the game of communication and any opportunity of connecting, understanding and gaining from them. That is how you submit them to being “normal”, like everyone else, which they know, deep inside, that it is a lie.

Reverse all that you have been told and all that you have been doing. It is not easy, but it is worth it. It is not normal, but it is truth.

Advice and set guidelines are not so helpful, as you must reach out and get to know your individual child, for what he/she is. Most of these children have come with an expanded consciousness, finding it very difficult to adapt to such a contracted and limited reality, which we present them with.

Instead of always telling them what to do or what they should be doing, try asking them questions; what they are thinking, what they are seeing, what they are feeling… this helps them connect with their inner reality, instead of trying to hide it or avoid it. More often than not, you will discover that they are wiser than you think, they can show you viewpoints that you have not thought about, they will present you with questions that you will find difficult to answer.

When their mind (and therefore their perception) is “stuck” in a particular reality, do not expect them to obey, focus or do whatever it is you want them to do. You first need to give them time to exit the one reality and slowly and kindly guide them to another; the one that they should be in, for whatever reason. Use force (grab them or yell at them) only when absolutely necessary, when it’s a matter of survival, like crossing the street or to avoid some danger, so they can recognize the basic instinct of survival and also get in touch with it within themselves.

It is always a battle to make them sit or disciplined in unnatural surroundings, like classroom desks or a friend’s house, which prevents them from expressing naturally, according to their age and inner reality. They learn naturally, they are inspired from within, they are guided more from within too, than they are from you. You need to help them understand how relationships work best with mutual cooperation… as long as you do not forget the word “mutual”.

Raising an ADHD child is real challenge. You’ll feel that you never rest. It’s much easier to have a child who can sit still and “be like other children”. Yet, if you remain open, willing to learn and shift, if you are flexible and centered within your own being, the rewards are great and surprising.

Medicating them is an easy way out which steals much from them but also from you. Get personalized guidance, educate yourself, be willing to doubt the normal practices, for they are limited and non-creative.

In many ways, these children are far more mature than you are, for they have not contracted their consciousness as you have. In many ways they are immature and need your spiritual guidance to balance, to adapt (without submitting who they are) and to find ways to exist in a dual, linear reality, which is not their own.

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