September 20, 2013
Depression like you’ve never read about it before
What good are the theories when you don’t know where your next meal is coming from, when you cannot communicate with anyone, when you have so much anger inside you, when you have lost your job, when nothing means anything anymore? What good is trying to visualize “something positive”, when all the images that are coming cataclysmically to your mind are of destruction, uselessness and self rejection? The last thing that you need and can tolerate is some wise guy telling you to be positive, to “look on the bright side of life”. There IS no bright side! Come to terms with it, get a grip on it and accept it. You are rolling in shit and you are chaotically going round and round dark processes of thought. That’s it!
Trying to fight it, change it or tolerate stupid advice pulls you even further and further down under. Understand that what you are projecting to others is what they are afraid to see within their own self. As simple as that! They want you “out” because they dare not be in, where you are. Everyone, with no exception has a depressed self, a sense of meaningless, a dark, dense side that most are too afraid to realize or admit to.
Going down the gutter, knowing that there is NO way out, is no fun ride. Only those who have dared to allowed the decomposition of themselves – and I mean it totally and literally – know what I am talking about because only they have created themselves from scratch, from their own ashes. But you’re not there yet and it’s useless to even consider creation.
If you go into psychotherapy to “heal yourself”, you’re doomed. If you take something to “help you forget”, you’re sinking even more, when you thought that you had hit rock bottom. You don’t need anything to “get you out”. You don’t “get out”! You sink in deeper, as much as you need to. No one is where you are. No one understands you. You’re on your own. The tyranny of your own mind is over-whelming and THAT’S exactly what you need to face; naked, blunt and as you are!
There are no “cures” because you are not ill. You are normal and what you are going through is perfectly normal too. There is no exit door because that’s where you should be and nowhere else. There is no one else there with you because you need to be with yourself.
Forget about all your presuppositions, all your previous theories and attempts at living. Nothing works in this abyss, this pitch black darkness which seems to go on forever. Day in and day out, things seem to get even worse than the previous one. Is there no hope? No. Throw away “hope” too. It’s a fool’s comfort. Don’t cling on to anything that is fake and short-lived. Don’t try to find some “pill” that will only prolong the pit and the emptiness.
You have been conned, everyone has. “Depression” is not an illness. It’s a de-programming process, which hurts and is difficult. It has been named an illness that “we need to treat”, so that we would not trust ourselves, so that we would shy away from the necessary variations of experiencing self, that will reveal to us that which we need to see, use and be.
Everyone experiences depression in their own way. It’s not a set of symptoms that you have to relate to or have, in order to fit the box that has been placed in front of you. Don’t read books on depression; they won’t tell you about yourself. They will con you into trying to fit in the symptoms as well as the “healing processes” that the system has programmed you with.
More than anything, in this state of being, you want out or you want out of life. You’ve had enough. You’re tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of falling and getting reluctantly up again… I know all about it. You have long, aching moments or hours in which nothing has meaning, nothing seems worthwhile and nothing makes sense. You want to be left alone and yet you’re dying for some sincere compassion and understanding. Days are endless and you feel like lead, not being able to move, either your body or your mind.
Your only mistake is rejecting yourself through all this. This is your ONLY mistake! Rejection makes you lie to yourself. You're not "ok", you're depressed. Tell yourself the truth. That's all you need to do!
No matter how long it takes, no matter how many hells you go through or how your mind torments your very existence, you need to allow and accept. Difficult words to grasp at first. Allow the destruction? Exactly that! Accept your negative, passive, withdrawn, self who has quit, who has interest for nothing? Exactly that! You can’t share this self with ANYONE, especially your family, those around you, who are terrified of what they are seeing and experiencing with you. You can only share with someone who has been there and out; someone who does not pity you but who can see right through your virtual self. You can only confide in someone who knows the dark allies, who has faced the monsters of the mind and has lived to talk about it, who knows how he /she did it, how they survived and became stronger in the process.
Again, facing your inner demons is no fun ride. It also seems like it’s lasting forever! It will if you’re fighting. It will if you think that salvation will come from the outside. It will if you think you are at the mercy of your mind or that THIS reality that you are perceiving is the only one that exists. It IS the only reality that you ARE perceiving though and the moment that you accept and want to explore THIS one reality, is the moment that you begin your journey to the exit door, to other realities, to conquering your own mind!