Impenitent

I have always asked the questions that normally people don’t even think of asking. Even if they do, many just ask them in philosophical circles, at specific gatherings but keep them way out of their personal, everyday lives and relationships.

My constant asking, seeking answers hasn’t changed since I was a child. And this is totally aligned with my practical life, no matter where it might mead me to or where I find myself to be, which I didn’t selectively seek or want.

Situations and questions that arouse much criticism, provoke the already installed fear of people and shake the elusive fundamental belief patterns, habits and unconscious rituals of old paradigms.

This core trait of my personality has surely not provided me with financial riches or social security of any sort nor has it helped me make many “friends”/allies. I guess I’m not the sort of person that many people would consciously chose to be around if they could help it. 

Why is this "the only way"?

What's beyond my physical eyes?

What's the other side of the story?

What's the real, hidden intent?

What does respect, honor, right, truth, justice, love, freedom etc etc really mean?

Why am I "obliged to", why am I not choosing to?

Questions like these don't take you to where most people are going. More often, I seem to be going in the opposite direction, not intending to (because that would be different).

But only in appearances. Because when I talk with these people, who don't ask or listen to these questions on a personal basis, I usually get responses like: "you're right but....", "yes, I know but...", "no, I'm not happy, I don't like my life but..."
And it's this "but" that I never felt secure enough to keep defending inside me.

I've often found myself going out on a limb, climbing strange and unresearched mountains, going to new and unknown places (within my mind and life), remaining in the dark/not knowing, until the light would light up my mind...and my life.

Despite all this, and having experienced one loss after another, one lack after another, I wouldn’t and couldn’t change this in me or my life. Especially since its evident that through it all, I have gained peace of mind, a treasury of unique experiences which have offered me their wisdom, clarity and better discernment, inner balance, deep sincere understanding and compassion, detachment from instinctual/reactive behaviors and a transcendent attitude towards this reality. 

Perhaps the hardest part of my unlearning/learning experience has been to willingly doubt precisely that which I seemed most sure of, which seemed as solid as truth can be, but turned out to be mere belief; another illusion. It still puzzles me how so many people still don’t realize the difference between a belief and knowledge, which can only be experiential.

The more I unlearned and learned/discovered, the closer to my Self I got, the more authentic I became in all my relationships and my life’s decisions. Amazing but true, the closer I came to innocence and humility, having the courage of sincerity; thus assertive clarity, which never needs to be enforced, violating another.

Sounds easy to “just be yourself”, but it isn’t. Ego can mimic self anytime, anywhere, in any situation, creating a persona that will get you most of life's "securities", the lawful "good person" image that we are meant to pursue, and all that adds up to a "normal life". I have never been normal!

At the end of the day or at the end of our lives, we answer only to ourselves, if we have lived the life we intended to live, if we have honored our life with our authenticity and if we are leaving the world a little better place than we found it. For me, these questions have been on my mind and in my heart, right from the beginning and became the inner scale of discerning my actions, responses, choices.

My intent has never been to “fit in” but to be myself wherever I am. It has never been to gain security but sincerity. It has never been to have a large circle of acquaintances but to have real friends, true relationships. It has never been to agree or disagree but to seek and find truth beyond duality.

I find many of the questions that people normally ask (or the establishment concentrates on) boring and self-deceiving: “what do you do for a living?”, “where are you from?,” “what are you doing this holiday?”, “are you married?”, “what do you believe?”.

I equally find boring and purposeless the paradigm: go through school - get a degree - get a job - pay your taxes - get married - buy a house -  have kids - get your pension - die quietly and lonely somewhere, an unfulfilling one to follow. "Why should I do all this?" would be one of my questions, pushing for real answers that I can make practical living out of, with an undeniable, serving and life-enhancing purpose, not just philosophize on.

So, at the end of each discussion, each involvement, each commitment, each moment, each day, "what I do" is who I consciously decide to am... but that's a wrong English word-structure, a wrong (old) paradigm...for now.